The Queen of Lists

I confess that I am the recently self-deposed Queen of Lists.

During my reign, I maintained a list for work items, house-related projects, personal lists, shopping lists, Christmas lists and a list for the highest priority items from the other lists.  There was even a special book in which to keep the lists orderly.  High priority items went on the dry-erase board along with the grocery list, which was then transferred to paper for the actual grocery trip.  Ah, the Queen of Lists was also the Queen of Organization & Control and believe me, she was good at it.  All those little tasks marching in an orderly fashion between lines of paper, some with check marks showing their contented state of completion.  What lovely lists!  What guilt-ridden lists.

Almost immediately after my cancer diagnosis, I had a visceral reaction to that once-revered book of lists.  It had morphed from a useful tool into a judgmental and controlling force that had entangled the strands of my life, sucking out spontaneity, creativity, and the desire to just be.  I didn’t simply toss it into the trash can, I threw it with a punch that would make a fast-pitch softball player proud.  I could almost hear the Queen of Lists shouting “Off with her head!” just like the Queen of Hearts in Alice in Wonderland. Ha! What a relief it was to hear that book of control thud into the can. 

It was time to live, not list.  It was time to stop finding personal satisfaction and significance by checking off items on a never-ending list.  It was time to open my hands and heart and let true life happen in the ripeness of its own time.

During months of self-introspection, silence and growing awareness, I developed a single list that has replaced all of the others.  It is an ongoing work that I hope to never finish and there are no items to check off.  It is a list of lessons I am learning.  Significant lessons that took way too many years to realize.  Lessons that allow for the beautiful unfurling of life.

“Why” is often irrelevant and unanswerable.  “How do I choose to respond” is what makes a true difference and allows healing and growth.

Embrace those who speak truth.

Seek the full face of God in its many forms, restoring the sacred place of the Divine Feminine in my life.

Being is infinitely more important than doing.

Silence can be priceless.  So can the sound of noisy children and garage bands.

Some books just aren’t worth finishing.  Some books should be read at least twice.

Music is one of the greatest gifts to mankind.

Friends and a good husband don’t care if you have hair.  A great husband will even shave your head and declare that this is a sexy look on you.

Always ask for pain meds if you even think the situation warrants it or if multiple needles are involved.

Some days can only be managed with rich, dark chocolate.

Some things we get through a day at a time.  Some days can only be gotten through a breath at a time.

Speaking truth from your soul is highly underrated.  Being nice is (often) highly overrated, especially when it gets in the way of truth.

There is great value and new life in losing my religion and discovering my spirituality.

There is an inner voice that most of us lose somewhere along the way and there is hardly anything in life more important than finding it and letting it always speak clearly to us.

Always dance when you have the chance.

Accept help with grace.  Offer it with love.

Always, always choose life and live it with a fierceness that recognizes the fragility and transience of it.

One last confession:  I have begun writing my grocery list again.  The family and the dog appreciate that!  But there is no Christmas list, or house list, just a few reminders on my calendar or sticky notes that occasionally get lost on my rather messy desk.  Forgotten details are a price I willingly pay.  Why?  In this overscheduled world?  This is the only life I have and the more I let go, the more I truly live.  Try it.